I have two online identities, both totally separate from each other. It’s mostly because this site has quite a bit of personal information that I don’t mind sharing with Catholics, not so much others.
So in my other online identity, I seem to have created an arch nemesis of sorts. Long story short, she thought I should have told her about a management decision made about my other web site, and I didn’t think I had to tell her about this decision. While I didn’t consider us BFF by any stretch of the word, I did chat with her about some rather personal things, specifically about my brother’s suicide. She has taken these things and twisted them against me in criticism and in an attempt to manipulate me.
Now, our aquaintenceship ended with a series of e-mails that basically had me saying I did nothing wrong, and her saying that yes I did and that I was horrible and shallow and all kinds of nastiness. I sent a “final” e-mail, stating my view of the events, and saying that I was formally ending the friendship. To which she responded very bitterly. Since saying my peace and providing closure on my end, I have made no attempt to contact her, I have said nothing public about our feud, and have done my best not to provoke her.
But she has taken to slamming me on her “friends-only” blog. On top of that, she doesn’t realize that one of the readers of her “friends-only” blog is a very good friend of mine. So every time she says something horrible about me, which is about every second or third post, my friend returns and reports. I’m not doing anything to attack her in any way, she just likes to take things that I do and insult me about them, behind my back where she thinks I can’t read them.
I admit that maybe I didn’t treat her with as much respect as I should have. But I don’t ever think I did anything to give her the impression that we were as good of friends as she thought we were. I certainly did nothing to incur her wrath. And other than discussions with two friends, I haven’t mentioned the conflict to anyone else. Whereas she feels the need to say horribly nasty things about me to her “inner circle” on a regular basis.
Now here’s the thing. No one likes criticism, and I don’t either. I especially don’t like that she does it in her blog, which is still read by multiple people even though it’s “friends only”. But at the same time I feel hypocritical because I go to my friend and tell her what was said about me by this woman and we deconstruct it and remind ourselves why she is so very wrong about me. Every time she attacks me in her blog, over things she perceives as wrong, it makes me seeth for days.
Now, I know that she’s bitter, and that I did nothing wrong, but I’m feeling so torn. I know the “Christian” thing to do would be to try to play nice and to apologize for the slight (which I *did not* do). But I know that all she’d do is turn it around and use it against me. Picking up a rattlesnake gets you bit, that kind of thing. If I sent her a letter trying to call a truce, she would send me a horrible e-mail calling me nasty things, then post it in her personal blog and say even more nasty things about me. Which would be more than I could tolerate.
But I also feel so hypocritical. I sit there and pray my Divine Mercy chaplet, and pray for the holy souls in pergutory, and yet I let this anger fester. I know that there is nothing I can do that will take away the bitterness that this person has for me. I just have to wait until she decides to hate someone more than she hates me. But every time I hear her saying something horrible about me, the wound opens right back up.
I’ve even confessed this bitterness, multiple times, but every time I think things have finally calmed down and I move on, I find out that she has found another way to say horrible things about me.
I need to tell our mutual friend not to let me know what is being said about me. That way I’m not hearing the bitterness. But on the other hand, I feel like I’m keeping tabs on the enemy if I know what’s being said about me.
None of it really matters, honestly. It’s just frustrating and annoying, and I just needed to vent a bit.
May 3, 2007 at 11:31 am
You said “I feel like I’m keeping tabs on the enemy.” She may regard you her enemy, but you don’t have to, and you shouldn’t. Try to think of her as your future best pal in heaven – you don’t have to talk to her, but think nicely of her. Not listening to what she has to say about you can be helpful, as it just makes your anger grow instead of shrink.
Just my 2 cts…
May 5, 2007 at 10:46 pm
“I know that there is nothing I can do that will take away the bitterness that this person has for me. I just have to wait until she decides to hate someone more than she hates me. But every time I hear her saying something horrible about me, the wound opens right back up.”
Cynthia, I don’t think the Christian thing to do is to play nice and admit you are wrong. Assuming you aren’t wrong, that would be a lie. That wouldn’t be Christian at all. But you have made several assumptions and drawn several conclusions about the actions of this former friend. That’s where you need to be careful. That’s where people can slip into judgementalism.
Pray for her, Cynthia. I think that’s what this festering anger is calling you to do. What she does on her blog is completely out of your control. But it’s well within God’s.
I will pray for her too. If you have trouble praying for her, just turn her over to St. Jude.
When I’m trying to cope with unrighteous anger, nothing gives me peace like a prayerful reading of Matthew Chapters 5-7. The next zinger that gets posted on her blog – just rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in Heaven.
Coping with (and loving in spite of) anger is among life’s greatest challenges. Good luck!
May 6, 2007 at 5:22 am
Hey a reader of my blog pointed me towards yours, I have a post up about my recent confrontation with some Mormon missionaries, maybe it would be of interest to you?
Anyway wonderful blog, God Bless you!
May 6, 2007 at 6:42 pm
That sort of thing is completely frustrating. I know just how you feel. The only thing to do really is to let the other person “win.” This could be simply by not caring, not “keeping tabs” on them. Or it could go as far as apologizing.
I had a similar situation not only with one person but on four different occasions (yes, I have that personality that “hangs onto” stuff. aarrgh!) What an internal struggle I had over all those situations. Eventually, with lots of prayer (and God’s grace) I was able to let those situations go. However, I definitely had to make a firm decision to forgive and then FORCE myself to forget by pushing it away every time it would pop back into my mind.
So very, very hard …
I’ll pray for you on this one.
May 7, 2007 at 6:46 am
It’s hard not to take it personally when someone digs their claws in like that. Maybe praying for her would be a good idea, since from what you describe it sounds like this person may be mentally ill, or at least terribly lonely and bored. Maybe all three.
I think it’s best not to know that the person is saying about you, unless it’s outright slander and damaging what other people think of you (outside of the clique that reads her private blog, since their opinions probably won’t change, or they may not even agree with what she says about you.)
May 7, 2007 at 5:10 pm
I appreciate all of your feedback. I think I really do just need to pray to be released of this unrighteous anger, and to make a point to blow any aggression towards me off. I know I will continue to incur her wrath as long as she perceives me to be more “successful” than her, so I need to learn to blow her off.
And to pray for her. She’s got more issues than I can even list here. If you have a moment, pray for her too. And pray for me to learn tolerance and to turn the other cheek. It’s very hard.
October 13, 2007 at 5:56 am
Forgive her for her transgressions as God forgives ours. We can’t change what people think, so why be stressed by something we can’t control. Your effort and attempt for forgiveness is difficult, but what helps me in similar situations is to know that I myself am not without sin and am blessed that God would still forgive me.