For those of you who don’t live in Utah or aren’t familiar with Mormon culture, you may not have ever seen the movies “God’s Army” or “Brigham City”. I’ve seen both, watched after I had already left the church. So my perspective was a little skewed. Anyway, so the reason these movies made such a stir in the Mormon culture is that “God’s Army”, a Mormon-created film, about Mormon missionaries, actually got some mainstream air play. Now, it didn’t make skads of money, but it did pretty decent. And Richard Dutcher became semi-famous in the Mormon subculture due to his For Mormons By Mormons filmmaking.
So you can imagine the shock that has gone through the Mormon (and anti-Mormon) blogosphere when Dutcher announced formally that he was leaving the church. In the Daily Herald, Dutcher had this to say:
I cannot tell you how much I have cared, and still care, about this movement. My love for the future of Mormon cinema has driven me to a passion that has expressed itself not only in my films, but (as you know) in bouts of public anger at filmmakers who, I believed, were killing a beautiful, unprecedented opportunity and a limitless potential. Miraculously, that opportunity and that potential still exist. It’s just a little harder to see right now.
If this sounds like a farewell address … well, it is.
Mormon doctrines are powerful and beautiful and have given great meaning to my life for more than 30 years. I’m sure they will always continue to inform not only my future work as a filmmaker, but also my private spiritual journey. But it does not appear that it will be my honor to make some of these films that the LDS community so desperately needs.
As many of you know, I am no longer a practicing member of the church. The private answers to the questions I have asked in my prayers, and in my films, have led me on an unexpected journey, a spiritual path which may ultimately prove incompatible with Mormon orthodoxy. This understanding has brought me some of the most profound surprises and also the deepest sadness of my life. It is very hard for me to say goodbye to something that I love.
Who knows? Maybe, like Oliver Cowdery (to whom I’ve always felt an uncommon kinship), my travels will someday lead back to Mormonism and to this effort. Such an end would be beautiful and, in a strange way, an answer to my prayers. But I don’t know. One fundamental thing I have learned over the past few years is a genuine humility regarding my spiritual beliefs.
I know that some of you will not understand my decisions. Please know that I will always be not only a great friend to the Mormon community, but also one of its strongest defenders
While the formal “coming-out” letter was moving and interesting, I found this second letter, written in the comments of the liberal faithful LDS blog By Common Consent, to be much more revealing and to really discuss the pain that comes with leaving the church:
It’s unpleasant to acknowledge, but the LDS community has a history of character assassination. It is an ugly truth, but it is the truth. I have often joked (darkly, and among friends only) that when wandering sheep stray from the fold, Mormons don’t go looking for them. What happens is: somebody climbs up on a really tall tower, takes out a high-powered rifle, gets the poor straying soul in the cross-hairs, and then blows his wandering brain out.
When individuals leave the fold, why do we find it necessary to blacken their names? This has been the case since the earliest days. Back then, a church member or leader could be in full fellowship one day and considered a wonderful, decent, loveable human being. The next day, if that individual chose to make an exit, he was the “blackest, basest of scoundrels,” an “adulterer” and a “counterfeiter,” etc.
Today, we’re a little less melodramatic. But still, when a scholar, artist, intellectual, or even a rank and file member of the Church decides to leave, his character is instantly under attack: “I think he’s gay” or “I bet she’s having an affair” or “I’ve heard he’s a drug addict,” etc.
Just for the record: I’m not having an affair. I’m not gay. I’m not a drug addict. I’ve never tried to illegally reproduce hundred dollar bills and I haven’t killed anyone. Sadly, I can’t even claim to have beaten anyone up, not since the 9th grade anyway. (Actually, now that I think of it, I didn’t win that particular fight. A neanderthalic 12th grader beat the snot out of me.)
However, I’m far from perfect: I do like to swear sometimes (seldom in anger, mostly for fun), and I’ve recently grown fond of really expensive dark Irish beer (enjoyed in moderation, of course). On occasion I’ve even been known to swear while drinking a beer. I’ve always been good at multi-tasking.
I tried smoking cigars, but didn’t care for them. Cigarettes I hate. Coffee’s not for me, but I have found some great dark teas that I really like. There’s one in particular, Lapsang Souchong, that I highly recommend.
Also, sometimes I daydream that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are both madly in love with me and I have to become a polygamist so that I can keep them both and not lose Gwen (my equally gorgeous wife).
There you go. Not very juicy. Downright silly in fact. On to more serious matters.
…
Some have speculated that I may have been offended by a church leader or member. That’s not the case. Church leadership has never been anything but supportive, and I’ve never lost any sleep over disapproval from individual church members. I would never let a personal offense from a fellow traveler detour me from the path.
Also, so many people out there think that I have been angry at other LDS filmmakers for dumping poor quality movies into the marketplace and ruining the reputation of Mormon Cinema.
Okay…you got me. That one’s true. But it is not the reason for my departure.
To conclude, it’s not necessary for anyone to jump to any conclusions. Please refer back to my letter and re-read the last several paragraphs. I shared my reasons. If you want me to be more specific, I’m sorry. I will not do that.
Just like there’s a familiarity with much of Mormonism, there’s also a familiarity with much of what people who have left the church have to say. I find it very revealing that he felt the need to “confess his sins” of drinking coffee and the occasional beer in his second comment. It’s so odd that even though I’ve been out of the church for many years now, I still saw that and went, “He’s drinking BEER? Man, he MUST be out of the church now!”
It’s odd that even now I use a double standard of judging The Rest Of The World, and Mormons/Ex-Mormons. Even myself. When my husband and I went to a Unitarian Universalist church once, I was not bothered by the fact that I was in a church other than Mormonism, or the pace or content of the sermon. But it freaked me out that I was in a church that served COFFEE after church! Coffee! The whole church smelled like a freshly brewed cup o’ joe. And that just tripped me out.
I even do it with my own family. I’ve gotten where I can drink coffee in front of my mom, but I remember one of the last times we went out for my birthday with my Dad before he died, and we went to a cajun restaurant called Pappadeaux. I found it terribly odd for my husband to drink a beer in front of my mom, and for me to be drinking a Swamp Thing, and it was absolutely surreal to see my mother drink not one but TWO margaritas! Talk about living life on the wild side! And when my father took a sip of champagne at my wedding, my husband found that mighty peculiar.
And it’s funny that ex-mos always list their Word of Wisdom violations as their “sins”. Most Ex-mo’s that I’ve known and read about decide to go nuts and order a cup of coffee, or have a glass of wine with dinner. And cuss. They never do anything that would even need to be confessed as a Catholic. But just being able to go into a restaurant and order a Coke without guilt can be SO liberating to someone who has felt guilty about so many things throughout their life.
And I can’t imagine the pressure that Dutcher is under to leave the church. He’s based his whole livelihood on creating art for the Mormon community, and now he’s going to be shunned from it. All I had to do was move wards for the church to forget about me.
